Im at strip club and am horny
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
this just has baby written all over it
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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