I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
