just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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