I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
