Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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