"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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