In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
