Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
