when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
