The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
