Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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