I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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