I murdered the dance floor call the cops
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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