He is such a slut. More and more my type.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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