the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Two words: nipple clamps
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