please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
