Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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