I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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