allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
