i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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