ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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