If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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