well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
