Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
