those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Found your dick twin last night
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
