I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
