Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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