Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
