tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
