mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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