my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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