Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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