ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
