I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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