Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
