I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
