i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
