Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
