So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
