he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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