People with herpes should wear stickers.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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