something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
