The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
