UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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