To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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