I am in a vortex of obligation.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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