he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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