Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
