Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize