i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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