dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
