Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
