You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize