Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
