You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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