Just fell off a train. Bad.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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