Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
