Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
